The Mystery Crapper Visits Epcot
I hadn't been to Epcot for 15 years and it was time
for another visit with a different perspective. What do we remember
Epcot for? The famous sphere? The country exhibits? No. We remember
Epcot because it is the one Disney park that serves alcohol. So
I figured, how bad can it be? Turns out, pretty bad.
The main problem with Epcot is that it is 20 years
old and hasn't been touched since it was built. What once was a
really cool idea has fallen on hard times. We will take an exhibit
by exhibit look at the park and the facilities. We will see how
Disney describes the park and translate for you. Example:
the future and travel the world with an amazing array of attractions
and live performances.
how the world looked before the Internet. The only live people here
consist of a creepy Beatles cover band and three confused gift shop
workers in lederhosen.
This exhibit features a Mexican restaurant
and marketplace with an erupting volcano in the background.
In addition there is a ride called El Río del Tiempo or the
River of Time for you gringos out there.
along the River of Time under a star-lit sky as you explore
Mexico's engaging past and present.
Float along as you see 1970s videos of Acapulco cliff divers
in speedos and horrible dancing puppets in "authentic"
Mexican dress. South of the Border has nothing on this place.
This exhibit features a Smorgesbord restaurant,
a mildly interesting giftshop with plastic viking helmets
(and if you're lucky a cut Norwegian girl) and a ride called
the Maelstrom. Watch out for confusing ingress and egress
avenues (that's in and out).
trolls are out to befuddle you as you explore the heritage
of Norway in this adventure-packed boat ride. Watch for polar
bears and hold on tight during your descent into the stormy
Trolls crapping in a giant toilet bowl and watching it flush.
The worst ride ever invented by man. And I'm trying to be
This exhibit features a Chinese restaurant,
the usual gift shops and a really cool 360 degree view movie.
Truly awesome even 20 years later. This is the best part of
the entire park.
Disney: The diverse
beauty of China surrounds you as you explore the mysteries
of the East in this incredible Circle-Vision 360 film presentation.
We're communist bastards but we know how to do our propaganda
You won't actually see a girl that looks
like this anywhere in the exhibit. I know, I checked.
This exhibit features a German Biergarten,
five different blown glass gift shops and nothing else. No
movie or ride. Cheap bastards.
Disney: A generous
helping of hospitality makes for merry mealtimes in this jolly
old restaurant featuring the best in German food and entertainment.
The hearty fare is presented in an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Diners sit biergarten-style at long tables that all feature
a great view of the festivities. Bavarian musicians clad in
lederhosen put on a show at various times throughout the evening.
Brush up on your polka skills - you may be invited to join
in the fun onstage. Entertainment subject to change.
This is at best a low rent buffet with lots of sauerkraut
intensive dishes. You will have to sit next to fat people
from Wisconsin whether you want to or not. There is no entertainment.
This exhibit features a Moroccan restaurant,
an outdoor market with a few ratty looking leather trinkets
and nothing else. The outdoor market used to be interesting
but no more. The architecture is cool but the place is dead.
Disney: The atmosphere
is established even before you set foot in the restaurant.
As you wander the winding alleyways of an ancient Moroccan
village, you come upon this palatial restaurant adorned in
magnificent tile mosaics. Soon the Mediterranean feast is
laid before you and the belly dancer arrives to entertain.
Is it any wonder you feel like a sultan?
You might get food poisoning and the belly dancer is really
a sweaty guy named Ralph.
One would wonder why there needs to be
an American exhibit in America but it focuses on a Colonial
theme. You can hear the Pledge of Allegiance (including that
bit about God) recited every half hour by a guy in a three-cornered
Disney: Ben Franklin
and Mark Twain are your Audio-Animatronic® hosts for this
moving journey through the tableaus of American history.
Bad puppets take you on a depressing journey that focuses
on war, exploitation and slaughter. The presentation is so
incredibly negative it made us all furious that this was how
they chose to portray America instead of taking a tour of
all of the great cities like all the other country's movies
Another cheap country that offered no
movie, ride or presentation. Only a pricey restaurant and
a few lame giftshops. The only bright spot was the Italian
Ice vendor who was a welcome sight on a hot day.
Disney: The black-and-white
photos in the elegant foyer take you back to a time of the
quintessential sweet life of Rome - La Dolce Vita. This romantic
world represented by the world-famous L'Originale Alfredo
di Roma Ristorante is lovingly recreated here in World Showcase.
Trompe l'oeil paintings are showcased on the wall of the dining
room where strolling musicians enchant you with the stirring
strings of their violins. It almost goes without saying to
try the pasta made fresh on the premises. This, after all,
is the home of fettuccine Alfredo.
Like we need to go to Disney to find a bad, over-priced Italian
This exhibit features two Japanese-style
restaurants (one sushi and the other Beni Hana style) and
a very fun gift shop that rivals the top floor of Takashamaya
in New York for Japanese candy and trinkets. Good place to
buy an Iron Chef apron, Bonsai tree or silk kimono. Watch
for the Japanese drums performance.
Disney: Sit around
a large grill and enjoy the floor show - it's your meal. Your
Japanese chef slowly bows to greet you. Then, polished steel
and human hands fly faster than the eye can follow as this
master culinary artist c
How many times can you see a guy flip a shrimp tail onto his
Ok, here is where you will find the creepy
Beatles cover band, a poor copy of an English pub and a gift
shop selling wool sweaters. That's right, just what everybody
needs in Florida, a heavy wool sweater.
Disney: The Rose
& Crown is a jubilant replica of the pubs that have become
a mainstay of British life. Traditional English fare is prepared
with piquant perfection. And the cheery atmosphere, accented
at times by a jolly English sing-along from the bar in the
next room, lends authenticity to every inch of the place.
It all makes you want to lift up your pint and say cheers.
It makes you want to lift up your toilet seat and say "blaaaaaaaah".
The French exhibit has a pretty cool
movie, some pastry shops and a replica of a Parisian brasseries
complete with strange hours and rude service.
Disney: The internationally-acclaimed
team of chefs Paul Bocuse, Roger Vergé, and Gaston LeNôtre
creates a formidable trio in this exquisite restaurant. The
setting is a faithful re-creation of typical Parisian "brasseries"
-- elegant city restaurants known for their simple and hearty
If you actually want to eat here, show up between noon and
3 pm. Otherwise, piss off American tourist.
This exhibit features a restaurant and
another cool 360 degree view movie. The hardest part is finding
it way in the back after climbing up and down various rocky
Disney: The magnificent
vistas and old-world culture of Canada are presented in an
all- encompassing Circle-Vision 360 film presentation.
Who knew? Who cares?
The Living Seas
Don't be fooled by the cool outside of
the building. Skip this stupid exhibit. Slow "elevators"
make it almost impossible to escape once you are in.
fathoms into an incredible undersea world at Sea Base Alpha.
It's the largest saltwater environment ever built by anyone.
View tropical fish, dolphins, sharks and manatees, while exploring
the secrets of a new frontier.
Three fish in a big tank with absolutely no sight lines. It's
like sitting at a ballpark behind a pole. Stupid, stupid,
stupid. Don't say we didn't warn you.
This used to be kind of cool 20 years
ago. But they got rid of the singing fruits and veggies. It
will never be the same without Mr. Brocolli.
goes high tech. Cruise through dramatic scenes from America's
agricultural heartland, then explore prototype greenhouses
and the wonders of cutting-edge technology.
It might give home horticulturalists (that's pot growers for
you slow folks) some ideas.
As a race car fan, I was really excited
to go on this ride, but I never made it.
up and take the ride of your life up bumpy terrain, through
hair-pin turns, into freezing cold chambers, and on to 50-degree
banked curves at 60 miles an hour. It's all the hair-raising
challenges of an automotive proving ground and this time,
you're the test driver.
If its is raining, forget it. We were too stupid to build
a ride that didn't have to be shut down everytime it rains.
It's not like this is Florida where it ALWAYS rains.
Here was a result of mixed emotions.
I was hoping for a different style of toilet in each country
exhibit but what I found was a generic style toilet all over
the park. How boring!
The good news was that they were all very
clean and quite usable. The privacy factor was high as there
was nobody in the entire park. A few were a little humid being
open to the outside but overall it was a highlight of the
User Friendliness = 4.5
Cleanliness = 4.5
Privacy = 4.5
Facilities = 3.5
Overall Rating = 4
All of the good looking Norwegian girls that used
to populate the exhibits have gone home. Skip the bad restaurants
and the $50 a head price tag and hit one of the newer parks or better
yet, go to Vegas.